Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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