I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Randomize