hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
