just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I fill condoms, not promises.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
