My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Randomize
