I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
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