all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
