I heard we made out
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
