1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
