this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
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