happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
