I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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