Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
