so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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