at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Randomize
