In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
