he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
