And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
