the condom got lost in my hair
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
