Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
