Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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