i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Randomize
