I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
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