8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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