my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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