We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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