I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Quick, to the slutcave!
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
