I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Randomize
