just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
