remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Randomize
