I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
