Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
