I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
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