I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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