i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
