What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Randomize
