omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I cannot find my penis.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
