my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
