I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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