My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
