You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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