My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
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