Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Randomize
