I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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