Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
