he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
