I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I need to calm my uterus...
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
