ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
