Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
