Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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