I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
