Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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