I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Randomize
