I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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