Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
