I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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