i don't like sucking hair
apparently the secret to your success is patron
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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