She went from zero to smokin in five shots
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
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