im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
