hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Randomize